I know a lot has happened emotionally in my life when I’m compelled to sit and write. And what a week it has been!
Like the majority who live in this country, I was shocked, saddened, hurt, betrayed by the election results. Agree with me or not, I own my opinions and feelings and respect those who disagree. I am not one of the league of people threatening to leave the country or who say “He’s not my president”. Like it or not, the system that provides our democracy ran as it was designed to do and I have to accept it, even if my candidate didn’t. Should we reassess our election process? Yes, by all means. But, I will stay here, love this country and fight to ensure our voices are heard. Waking the next day only to learn it hadn’t been a bad dream left me with fear only surpassed by what I felt on 9/11. The biggest difference this time is that I felt attacked and threatened by my own countrymen. But, that is the process and they have their reasons for voting the way they did. I can’t understand their reasoning anymore than they can accept mine.
So, with this major blow and the still lingering feelings I’m coping with; being a woman who now feels vulnerable, sad that if as an educated white woman I can feel this way, those of other faiths, ethnicities and lifestyles must be feeling fear beyond what any citizen of our country should be feeling.
And there’s more. My 91 year old mother is moving West to live with me next week. I’m happy and excited and thrilled to be able to share our lives now, but as I pack up things in my 2-bedroom condo and put my quilting supplies away, I am filled with remorse, loss, and panic. You see, I’m a quilter. It’s my creative outlet. And while I haven’t had time to be actively engaged in it, knowing the possibility to squirrel away even an hour in my sewing room is a comfort, I’ve come to understand, that I need in my life. But today I am packing all those things to store elsewhere, still accessible, but not easily.
Coincidentally, a 3-bedroom condo came on the market this week. I worked tirelessly all week, working every angle to try and find a way to make buying it a possibility, only to fail. As a self-employed person, banks do not look kindly on offering mortgages – shockingly even my current mortgage holder to whom I’ve been diligently (and easily) making payments to on my current home for 3 years. After hoping all week, today I learned the asking price for the condo and it’s simply more than I’m willing to pay. Yes, it would provide my mother and I ample space to cohabitate, yes it would allow me to have my beloved quilting room and more, but it’s not to be. If I’ve learned nothing else along this journey I’ve been on, if I try to make a decision and have to force it, it’s not the right decision. So I’ve stepped away from this dream at this time. Who know what the future holds.
On top of these two very pressing concerns, I continue to deal with other issues, some medical that will be resolved soon, some professional, and again to be resolved soon, but it all adds up to a lot of anxiety, uncertainty and stress. It can wear a girl out! Even an optimistic one.
The one bright spot in the week was the honor of being on a panel of women leaders speaking to Group Health Cooperative’s Women’s Leadership Forum yesterday. Each of the panelists shared their journey. Mine spoke of this journey to happiness I’ve been on these past 3.5 years and how that informs my work as a career and entrepreneur coach guiding others to the same level of happiness. So, yes, in the midst of this temporary funk, I gave considerable time to all that I have to be happy for and where I am in life.
So, after a bit of allowing myself to grieve for missed opportunity, I’m moving on. Yes, I am excited to offer a place for my Mom to live surrounded by people, love and lots of activity. Her quality of life will improve, as will mine. She is a lively, clear headed, bright and funny woman. I can’t wait to introduce her to my friends!
Thanks to anyone for reading this. I just had to write today, sort these thoughts out and process so I can move on. Be good to yourself, be kind to others even if you disagree with them, and be the person you wish everyone would be.